The Cruelest, Dumbest Month

It's time to fix our calendar

Here we go again. February.

Every year it sneaks up on me, and every year I vent about how much I hate this godforsaken month.

But this time around I’m not going to just complain about February. This time I have a plan to defeat it.

Disclaimer: I live in Chicago, where February is winter’s unholy, slushy stretch of despair. But even if the sun shines where you live you should join me in rejecting February, because everything about this month is an affront to humanity.

January has the exciting energy of a new year, with fresh resolutions and optimism and an abundance of postseason football; March has the NCAA tournament to carry us into baseball season and the promise of warmer weather¹. But February just plops on the sofa between them, a boring, lifeless turd reminding us that nothing fun can last.

I blame the ancient Romans for all of this. They held a ritual called “februa” on February 15, where Roman priests would sacrifice goats, strip off chunks of their hide, then run around naked smacking women with the goat flesh to increase their fertility.

Back then February was an inconvenient time to be a goat, or a woman of childbearing age for that matter. Ever since, February has been smacking us upside the head with its relentless absurdities.

Why February is Bad.

1. The sports. February has one football game. One! There’s no baseball, just a bunch of meaningless college basketball games and some NBA and NHL nobody watches. And let’s be honest, the Super Bowl is more of a show than a football game, mostly a bittersweet reminder that football season is over. The Super Bowl confetti signals that the end of the football calendar has arrived — it’s the last cookie in the jar, the last Dorito in the bag, and leaves a disappointed taste in your mouth.

2. Groundhog Day. I can’t believe we continue to do this. I can’t. We really gather to watch an idiot groundhog pop out to check on his shadow, and somebody writes down what he does, and then it’s on the news and Twitter and everywhere. It’s just the dumbest thing we do. It isn’t cute, it’s not based on any meaningful tradition, and it doesn’t even work. Is winter really over on February 2 anywhere?

   I hate this day, I hate this groundhog, I hate the guy in the Monopoly tuxedo who holds him to the sky. Groundhog Day is a warped reminder that humans will continue to do anything out of habit.

   

3. Valentine’s Day. I’ll have more to say about this next week, but February’s greatest offense is hosting Valentine’s Day, the day the government forces you to declare your romantic intentions by making a variety of retail purchases. It does not matter how you actually feel about your partner at the time; you have to buy Valentine’s Day stuff.

   Some smart couples make a deal to not participate in Valentine’s Day, but that strategy takes planning and discussion. Even ignoring Valentine’s Day forces you to have a relationship with it.

4. Presidents’ Day. Why are we celebrating presidents? Is that an underappreciated sector of society that needs more attention? There’s no real Schoolteachers’ Day, no Firefighters’ Day, no Nurses’ Day, but we find it important to honor 46 mostly dead guys who are already famous. In a country of 300 million people there shouldn’t be a holiday honoring a group so small that third graders can memorize them.

   And do you know anyone who’s a fan of presidents, like as a general category? Biden, Trump, Obama, Bush! I love all of them, they really did their best! No. Regardless of where you fall on the political spectrum you despise at least one and probably two of the guys I just named. Having a holiday for presidents is like having a holiday for songs.

   The only reason you like Presidents’ Day is that you get a day off. But going skiing or sleeping off a hangover isn’t exactly honoring anything other than not having to work. It’s like a “friend” who has a boat or a great TV — you don’t like President’s Day, you just find it useful.

The Plan.

Now that we agree that February has unfixable problems and needs to be eradicated, let’s discuss the plan.

Starting in 2024, we’re just going to cancel February and replace it with something new: the Bridge Weeks.

All of February’s terrible holidays will be stripped out and fed into a woodchipper, leaving us with four peaceful, generic Bridge Weeks that walk us from winter to springtime. Don’t worry, you’ll still get the third Monday of the Bridge Weeks off work — it will be the first ever Holiday Without a Reason, where we can relax without pretending to care about why we’re not working.

And don’t worry about the other 11 months. They each have their own unique and appealing personalities; we’re not going to disturb those. Our calendar year still needs to have 365 days because of the sun and gravity or whatever, so the Bridge Weeks will just preserve the 28 day window formerly dedicated to February and prop up January and March in the slots they’ve always held.

It will take a team approach, but we can do this. It’s long overdue. Enjoy your last February.

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The following appeared in The Athletic on May 17, 2019. It involved a question from a Wisconsin resident who questioned his life decision to live in a cold climate. It’s yet another example of a reply I was subconsciously writing to myself. I hate that.

May 17, 2019

Dear Faux Pelini,

This winter in Madison, Wisconsin, where I live, temperatures reached as low as -20 degrees Fahrenheit with wind chill dropping near -50. Why did I do this to myself?

Chaz M.

Dear Chaz,

I get it, this was a rough winter in your part of the world. But no Wisconsin winter is easy, is it? It’s just part of the deal up there. So I don’t know, why did you do this to yourself?

I’m not being a smart ass by asking that question. I really want to know — why do you live in Wisconsin? I’m going to assume you’re not writing from prison and that you could voluntarily leave the state if you wanted to.

There are lots of reasons that people are drawn to places, and I’m sure you and Wisconsin have yours. Maybe you like being around cheese, or roaming animals, or gritty white basketball players named Buzz. But whether it’s the curds or herds or nerds, there is something about Wisconsin that’s keeping you there despite the rough winters.

It must be worth it.

When a person chooses where to live, he agrees to the tradeoffs. Hawaii gets you scenic beauty, but college football comes on at 5 a.m. San Diego gets you a perfect climate, but you have to live in a tiny house with seven roommates. Florida gets you sun and beaches, but you are surrounded by people from Florida.

If the things keeping you in Wisconsin aren’t worth the winter tradeoff, then rethink your life. Every day that you choose not to move, you’re choosing to stay. Make your decision and then live with the good and the bad wherever you end up, because a deal is a deal. There’s nothing more boring than someone who complains about his own decision. Don’t be that guy, Chaz.

Which is worse, 10 blizzards or a hurricane? Only you can answer that. Be where you belong and don’t look back.

1. Unless you live in Chicago, where spring is a 2 1/2 week period in June.