I am a committed hater of February. We’ve been over this. The goofy holidays, the ice storms, the empty sports weekends, it’s all too much. And the worst of February is about to elbow its way back into our lives: Valentine’s Day.
I don’t mind love and romance and all that crap. It’s fine. What I resent is the requirement that we publicly demonstrate our affection on a particular day on the calendar. We should be allowed to do those things on our own terms, not because Hallmark and the government and Zales say we have to.
We’ve been at the mercy of the Valentine’s Day racket since we were forced to deliver a sack full of photocopied valentines with 10 cent lollipops to our second grade classmates. Dear Danny/Jeff/Lisa L./Tommy/Jeremy/Christy/Tim/Jennifer/Eric/Lisa G./Kelly/Mrs. Prochnow Happy Valentine’s Day Love Faux. The Valentine’s Day brainwashing began early and we never stopped to question its madness.
Think about it — Cupid, the deranged mascot of Valentine’s Day, manages a gang of toddlers who fly around firing arrows at unsuspecting victims, hypnotizing them into buying boxes of drugstore candy. If I were to stand on a street corner in a diaper shooting arrows at passersby I’d get arrested (believe me) but somehow this is fine:
If you want some advice on how to survive Valentine’s Day you can chase this footnote1, but this column isn’t about that. Instead, I want to share a thing or two I’ve learned about relationships during my stint as an internet advice columnist. Your letters have been…illuminating.
This Valentine’s Day, instead of giving in to Cupid and Godiva and the rest of the pink and red mob, let’s take a look inward for a change.
There are a thousand types of romantic relationships, but let’s focus on two buckets: (1) Just Dating and (2) Committed.
Just Dating? Make Sure It’s Working. For You.
In the early phases of dating it’s easy to get lost in the swirls. You’re wanted! You’re getting attention! You’re desirable and hot! The new relationship energy makes you feel valued and important, and if you’re not careful you can get sucked in to the Validation Vortex and lose your bearings.
Have fun during this stage, but stay a little selfish. Check in with yourself now and then to make sure you’re getting what you need, that you aren’t sticking with the relationship out of habit or complacency or insecurity or some unfortunate combination of the three.
Most romances have expiration dates. The end of a relationship doesn’t imply it was a failure; it just means it ran its course. Keeping a doomed relationship alive is a massive waste of time that keeps both of you off the dating market.
Ending a relationship can be brutal, but sometimes the only thing worse than breaking up with someone is not breaking up with them.
Committed? Stir the Stew.
If the arrows got to you and you’re planted in a long term relationship, the stakes are higher. Maybe you’re married, maybe you bought a place together, maybe you even have kids.
A committed relationship is created by two people but it has an existence all its own. It’s a stew with a thousand ingredients, some added by the partners individually and some by them together. They stand as a couple at the stove of love watching over their stew, stirring it, making sure the ingredients stay balanced.
It’s key to step back once in a while and think about your involvement and habits in a relationship like this. Have you gotten lazy with managing any of the ingredients? Are you pulling your weight? Are you really? Be honest.
Take a look at your partner’s contributions, too. Notice the tasty ingredients that they bring to the mix. Don’t take those for granted, and let your partner know you appreciate them. Often.
There will be things about your partner that bother you from time to time. Don’t ignore that stuff — even minor annoyances can sprout into actual relationship issues if you don’t attend to them. If it’s bugging you that she hogs the popcorn every time you watch a movie, maybe it’s a sign that she’s becoming self-centered. Or (more likely) it could mean that you need to relax, respect her snack space and make your own damn popcorn. Examine the issue with an open mind and make peace with the result.
If you notice something has gone legitimately wrong with the stew, you owe it to the other cook to let them know. I know, bringing up a Real Issue in a relationship is hard. You’re not sure when exactly to bring it up or how your partner will react. But if you see an actual problem — no matter whose “fault” it is — you need to say something. The only thing worse than telling your spouse that you’re dissatisfied is not telling them.
I hate to say it but despite all those things I wrote above, you still need to do Valentine’s Day. This is not an event you can unilaterally boycott.
But next week try to find some time to think about your place in the romantic universe. If you need to dump your boyfriend, do it. If you need to talk to your wife about stirring the stew, do that. Blame me if you want.
The following appeared in The Athletic on February 14, 2020. The Swedish Fish story is true.
February 14, 2020
Dear Faux Pelini,
Recently you got a question from a guy whose girlfriend thought college football was too boring. I have basically the opposite problem. Why is it so hard to date guys as a girl who loves sports? One of the following always happens: 1) They quiz me to prove that I know sports things, which infuriates me; 2) They only want to talk about sports, which bores me; or 3) They’re intimidated if they think I might know more than them, which annoys me. Help?
Carrie S.
Dear Carrie,
A friend once told me about a couple of dates she had been on with some new guy. She said the first date went fine. She shared the usual first date information with him over dinner — places she’s worked, movies she hated, trips she’s taken, her secret love for Swedish Fish. Sparks did not fly, but she decided he was worth another look.
When the guy showed up for their second date, he brought a gift: a package of Swedish Fish.
Now, when I heard this part of the story, I immediately hated this jackass — his listening skills, his careful attention to detail, his thoughtful nature. Vomit.
So I was highly relieved when my friend laughed and rolled her eyes after describing the Swedish Fish plot twist. The gift was not a hit. She clearly thought it was a little too thoughtful, a little too soon, a little too much. There would be no third date.
But here’s the thing, Carrie. If my friend had really liked this guy in the first place, those Swedish Fish would have been the heroes of her story. If she was into him, her reaction would have been less “EWWWW!” and more “CUUUUUTE!” The Swedish Fish were a sign of her feelings about him, not the cause of them.
I offer you the Swedish Fish Theory: Annoying traits don’t make you dislike someone; when you dislike someone, you find their traits annoying.
Most qualities are not good qualities or bad qualities, they are just … qualities. Sure, there are real traits that attract us to a person — personality, looks, intelligence, their opinions about college football’s targeting rule. These are the things that make us want to date someone, or not. But the brain doesn’t make this decision; the gut does. It makes the call before the brain even gets involved.
The brain pretends to be in charge, of course, because nobody likes to believe he is ruled by emotion. So the brain receives and analyzes new data points and dutifully drops them into the “EW” or “CUTE” buckets, but those assessments are based on the decision the gut has already made.
Carrie, you didn’t like the three guys you described in the first place. By the time they offered you Swedish Fish, they were already destined for the “EW” bucket. Your gut had made its decision long before you began talking sports with them.
When the wrong guy quizzes you about sports, he’s infuriating; when the right guy does it, he’s a fun challenge. When the wrong guy doesn’t know football, he’s lame; the right guy has “lots of other interests.” When the wrong guy talks nothing but sports, he’s a bore; when the right guy does it, you’ll find yourself staring into his eyes discussing the origins of the read-option until sunrise.
The Swedish Fish never lie, Carrie. Pay attention to them and they will save you some wasted dates.
Understand and trust the role your gut plays. You need your gut just like you need your brain, and ideally the two will work together to make your dating decisions. More importantly, don’t let your brain talk you out of your gut feelings. When the brain is in charge it will decide that certain “types” are bad news based on a handful of negative experiences, causing you to overlook some good opportunities.
There are guys out there who won’t treat you like an exotic zoo animal or a Russian spy just because you know the name of Mississippi’s punter. They will find you, if you let them.
OK. It’s not possible to “win” Valentine’s Day, but if you’re in a relationship, you do have to play the game. Here are three ways to not screw up Valentine’s Day:
(1) Don’t buy flowers from a grocery store. It’s obvious. Find a florist in your neighborhood.
(2) Buy a blank Valentine’s Day card. A grocery store is fine for this one. Pick out a simple red card with some kind of heart on it. Take it home and write something simple and true. Don’t be that putz roaming the card section looking for the perfect sentiment written by a Hallmark poet.
(3) Don’t overextend yourself. Each Valentine’s Day sets a new bar. Make each Valentine’s Day just a tiny bit better than the last one, but leave room for improvement next year.